We’re all naturally a little fearful of death. I think in the past couple of years, our relationship globally has become a little bit closer with death just because of the events and things that have happened, especially with pandemics.
But we’ve also collectively suffered great loss and often death and grieving are obviously intertwined, but it’s the same with losing a relationship, losing a job, losing security, losing the life that you once had.
A lot of this has been taken away and we’ve all had to deal with grief and loss in some respect over the last two to three years.
Seneca and Marcus often discuss contemplating death and a lot of modern-day entrepreneurs, influencers, Steve Jobs, Tim Ferris, and Ryan Holiday talk about how powerful it is to contemplate death and how we should all get used to it because it’s gonna happen.
Taking a Break and Also I Have Cancer
Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. At that time my kidney was also rupturing, like literally like bursting open.
So when the doctor came in, it was this bizarre mix of, we need to get you sorted because of your kidney and the reason they were panicking is because first place testicular cancer spreads to is the kidney.
It was a really funny exchange because the doctor came in and said, “Mr. Killen, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that you do have cancer. But we are gonna whip that right out after some surgery, put you on a course of chemotherapy.”
“The bad news is that your kidney is going to rupture, which means it’s going to burst. It’s gonna be extremely painful. You’re gonna be throwing up a lot of weird-colored bile. It’s also gonna require lots of ongoing surgeries as well as lots of stays in hospital and ongoing treatment, including catheters, kidney drains, and a few other things like a stent.”
“We can’t start chemotherapy until you’ve completed your kidney treatment.”
I remember at the time thinking what’s gonna happen with the business, what’s gonna happen with the house. How is Liv going to look after me? What’s gonna happen to my health? It’s the unknown part, I think is the worst bit cause you just don’t know what’s gonna happen.
At that point, I was training very hard and one of the things I knew I’d miss was the gym.
An Unexpected Gift
Now, it might not sound like it, but being given that kind of news is actually a bit of a gift.
I remember feeling very isolated and obviously worried. I don’t how to describe it.
Everyone says that those types of things change your perspective. That’s very true. But what I found were the things that I thought I’d be worried about I now wasn’t thinking about at all.
It is a gift and this is the perspective I’ve been trying to take is that losing something, grief, life changing whatever they call it near death experiences. They are a gift.
Memento Mori
Memento Mori, which is Latin roughly translates to, “Remember that you must die or remember that you have to die.”
Now, the point of that is not to be morbid or to promote fear, but actually, to give clarity.
You can even apply this to people in your life. History is filled with people who regret not saying something important to people who are important to them to remember that you will definitely die is almost just as important to understand as other people will also definitely die.
Like I said, it’s not to promote fear or morbidity, but clarity about what’s important, what actually matters.
The Funny Side
Coming through recovery myself, I made peace and frankly, with a lot of people, and while I might not have originally thought that they were important people, it was important that I forgave them and moved on and let that go. That was a really funny side effect of experiencing this kind of event.
I think the mistake people make who haven’t been through, something like this presumes that you come out the other side full of motivation or really happy. For me, it was neither of those things. I came out the other side feeling at peace, whatever that might mean.
I realized the things that I used to think were important, like status and money and how successful other people thought I was weren’t important, but what was important was family, being loved, loved ones, feeling like you’re making a meaningful contribution and being at peace with the world or trying to live in harmony with what’s happening around you.
Embracing Grief and Becoming Better
Now you can choose to see any problem as an opportunity. However, this does not mean that you have to have that toxic positivity air about you.
There is absolutely a time and a place for grief and sadness. I do not believe in trying to be positive in the face of adversity for the sake of it.
I think a lot of naive people believe that stoicism will lend you this sort of magic superpower, which means you no longer need to grieve or you don’t see a purpose in it as completely missing the point.
When it is time to be sad, embrace sadness. When it is time to grieve, embrace grief, and take as long as you need to do it.
This was a really powerful lesson to me. The difference is that it is up to you when you pull yourself out of it and when you do pull yourself out of it, you need to think about whatever it was that happened, how can I be a better person because of this event?
The key to seeing problems as opportunities is learning what you can become better at or stronger at because of what has happened to you, or even because of what you’ve done in a situation.
Problems are the result of weakness and they are simply assigned that you have an opportunity to become better at something not that you need to put a positive spin on it.
No event is by definition, good or evil. We all know people who have crumbled at the most trivial events, but we also know people who have overcome great adversity and triumphed in the face of overwhelmingly horrific and grotesque odds to be a source of strength for and in themselves become stronger people.
It isn’t the event that defines us, but the meaning we attribute to that event, which defines us.
The Purpose of Life (It’s Not Happiness)
The purpose of life is to live in harmony with nature, which is to say, accept things that are or are not. The goal is to be at peace.
Forcibly, trying to change things that aren’t going to be changed, leads to great unhappiness. Focusing on what you can change within yourself, leads to inner harmony and peace. Working on what you can work on and what you can control is the very purpose of life.
A lot of people think that the purpose of life is to be happy and that’s what they chase. I think that’s naive.
I’ve never been to a funeral thinking I can’t wait to feel happy about this. What I feel is I hope I can make peace with this. If I can live in harmony with the fact that there are things I cannot change, then I’m more likely to find inner peace and continue working on myself rather than being unhappy with the circumstances and situations around me that I can’t change.
Learning how to be at peace and accept the things which I couldn’t change, but control that within myself, that I could change was the gift that I was given. That is what an illness or an experience like that has given me.
The New Perspective
You’ll hear this a lot. It gives you perspective because you think in the long run, the things that you used to worry about don’t matter at all, everything fades to dust.
The things you’re worrying about now that won’t matter in three months’ time, yet alone, three years or three decades, those are the things you stopped worrying about pretty quickly.
Ultimately we can make our own lives better and the lives of other people better if we look after ourselves, it’s not about being a martyr and sacrificing yourself for everybody else.
Jim Rohn – Quote
There’s a quote by Jim Rohn, that I really like, which is, “I’ll take care of myself for you, if you’ll take care of yourself for me.”
Lesson From Rocky and Oprah
In both fiction and in real, from Rocky to Oprah Winfrey, there are countless examples of people who have taken adversity and turned it into triumph by controlling what they can control within themselves.
After facing rejection and having other people not believe in them and them losing belief in themselves, after insecurities and deep suffocating pain, these people chose to become the heroes of their own stories and better themselves in order to make the world a better place.
At Sell Your Service, I want to help you turn your adversities into a stronger, better business for your freelancing business, your agency, whatever it is, and take those problems, and turn them into opportunities and eventually advantages.
Memento Vivere
There’s a second Latin phrase I want to talk about. Memento Vivere, which is kind of the opposite of Memento Mori, which I talked about before. This means, “Remember that you must die so remember to live.”
Look there’s no point lying or beating around the bush. Life is hard. Your life is probably going to be hard. I think it can be made easier when you make things simple. But the hard bit is keeping things simple.
Purposefully going after things that are important is often hard. Changing yourself and working in yourself is in itself hard work and that doesn’t even count doing the actual work to change.
You often hear about this sudden realization that people aren’t living the life that they want to live and it’s heartbreaking. It’s heartbreaking when it happens to you as well.
Answer This Question
The question you need to ask is how do you want to contribute or do you feel like you are contributing?
Don’t worry about leaving a legacy or being praised for your work or anything like that. What makes you feel like you are contributing to something that matters?
It can be on a small scale with your local community or your family, or it can be a larger scale, but that’s the question. What makes you feel like you are contributing?
Don’t Chase Emotions
Forget about emotions or how you feel about certain things. Emotions are fleeting. They come and they go. It’s worth accepting them, acknowledging them. But knowing that at some point they’ll move on.
That’s why I feel happiness is a futile and naive pursuit because it comes and goes. What I would rather attain are harmony and inner peace.
Emotions are a signal. It is a response telling you how you feel about something, but it doesn’t mean that you have to take action based on that emotion. So don’t go chasing emotions.
Instead, create a vision for your action. Think about what do you need to do and what type of person do you need to be in order to achieve that future goal? What are the things you enjoy doing for the sake of doing them? Don’t discredit them because they’re not necessarily seen as immediately productive.
How Do You Want To Contribute?
As I mentioned earlier, create a vision for your contribution. How do you want to contribute to yourself, to your community, to your house, to your family, to your friends, to your wider audience, to the world, to the country?
What do you want to contribute and how are you going to do that?
At Sell Your Service, we believe that one of the core things that people need to experience is feeling like they’re making a meaningful contribution. In fact, that’s the key to happiness.
I know I said don’t chase happiness, but if you want more of it, it’s tied to contribution. The positive or negative judgments we make about the events that happen in our lives are illusions. They are fleeting and they will pass.
Your greatest adversity now is the greatest opportunity that you are also being presented with. Have courage, commit and take action.
