Do you live with a fear of being judged?
We all do, in truth.
And it’s the single biggest thing holding you back.
I’m currently reading “Tough Broad” by Caroline Paul and aside from being brilliantly well written and very funny, it’s extremely poignant and moving.
A recurring theme that comes up again and again is that people stop themselves from trying things, because they’re worried about being judged.
They fear being seen as stupid, among other things. Our number one fear is being made fun of.
We also don’t want people to think badly of us.
As if a mass collective judgement based on whether something is good or bad makes it so.
In the book, Caroline speaks to women over the age of 50, some in their 80s and 90s, about pushing their limits and doing things – often, things they’ve always wanted to do.
And in fact, much of the time, people do make fun of them.
“You can’t do that!?” and “At your age?!” are common reactions to BASE jumping, learning to swim and walking through other people’s property.
But the difference is whether or not the stupid, silly person cares about the judgement.
Often I find I hold back from asking my wife and family things, because I worry about their judgement.
I worry about their reaction and whether they’ll judge me or not.
It’s a natural fear, of course.
We don’t want to be ostracised by our family and peers and loved ones.
Being judged means we might get kicked out of the tribe and we’ll starve to death.
We know logically that this won’t happen, but a deep part of our ability to communicate and connect with others and build community often means we still act as if we could be removed from the tribe.
Two of the core lessons I’ve learned over the last few years are:
- Know what you want
- Make sure they know what you want
The giant overriding caveat to both those points however is: don’t fear judgement or failure.
Having the sudden realisation that what you want is different from what you have, can be both liberating and terrifying.
That’s not to mention the complex relationship we have with wanting new and novel experiences all the time.
And taking the time to know what you want is extremely difficult. It requires patience and reflection.
Sometimes we realise that we want something and we immediately dismiss it because we fear judgement or failure.
Before we’ve even explored the idea – we dismiss it.
For some things, this might make sense. Cheating on your partner or buying a new set of golf clubs when your current ones are fine, really.
But for many many goals, like swimming, walking, starting a new business, firing a lacklustre team member.
These can be painful to realise and scary to accept.
And then of course telling someone else about it – that’s a whole other story altogether.
Accepting it is one thing, sharing it with others is TOUGH.
Because that’s what invites judgement.
But here’s what I’ve found. Something that surprised me.
Most of the time, when I’ve told people my goals (the people who matter), they’ve been encouraging and supportive.
They’re proactive even, asking if they can help somehow.
So my challenge to you is this.
Think of a goal you’ve had and share it with people. Share it with people who matter and those closest to you.
They might be more supportive and helpful than you think.
